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Backgammon Humor

Backgammon is a frustrating game sometimes. On those days when the dice would test the patience of even the most imperturbable player, it pays to have a good sense of humor. Thanks to Phil Simborg for these gems.

Give Me a Break—Give It a Number

By Phil Simborg & Stu Katz.

If you're like most of us, you're sick of hearing your friends tell you about how they lost a match or game that just "couldn't be lost". Aren't you tired of hearing about someone's opponent rolling 6-2 from the bar to win the match? Or "dancing twice in a row on a one-point board"? Or "the idiot rolled double one's."

We got sick of hearing it from both others and each other, so we developed a system (code) to save time. This code has added greatly to our lives, so we thought we would share it with all of you so that, in the future, when you're telling us about "the disgusting, almost impossible way" you lost the match, you can spare us the details.

It's simple: we've numbered all the typical situations, and now we only have to say to each other, "He rolled a No. 4." Or whatever. Here's the code:

NO  1. You danced once or more on a one or two point board. NO  2. He rolled the only number that hits you to win the game. NO  3. He rolled many doubles in the bear off and beat you. NO  4. You were down to 2 or 3 checkers on your ace, rolled a one, got hit and lost. NO  5. You couldn't roll a number higher than a 3 for four turns and had to break your prime; but you still should have won, and then he rolled jokers. NO  6. He made horrible plays, while you played like a master, but he rolled out of his kazoo and beat you anyway. NO  7. He took the worst double you've ever seen and was sure to get gammoned, but he rolled jokers and won. NO  8. You rolled the perfect roll to win the game but it was cocked dice. NO  9. You know he rolled a 2-1 but he swore it was a 1-1 and the tournament director made you flip a coin and you lost. NO  10. He went to the bathroom and you're sure he either ran to his car and used Jellyfish or he talked to Jake and found out what to do.

So in the future, don't bother us with long, sad stories ... just give us the number. And by the way, if we respond "No. 1 Response," that means: "What makes you think I give a damn how you lost your stupid match?"

One day a man was driving along in a pink car on a pink road in a pink town. As he drove past a pink farm house, his pink car broke down. He walked down the pink farm house's pink walkway and knocked on the pink door. Soon a farmer in pink overalls and his wife in a pink apron answered the door. He asked if he could use the phone. They gestured to a pink phone and said that he could use it but the phone lines were down.

It seemed that a pink tree had fallen and caused the problem. The lines were expected to operational by the next day though. They invited him to spend the night until he could get help. It was too late to go anywere else as the pink sun was already sinking in the pink sky. They sat around on a pink sofa all night and played some "friendly" games of backgammon on a pink board with pink dice. The visitor won $200.

When the pink clock struck 12:00 he excused himself. He freshened up in the pink bathroom and brushed his teeth with a pink toothbrush and pink toothpaste. He then put on some pink pajamas and went to sleep in a pink bed with pink sheets.

The next morning the pink alarm clock went off at 7:00 and he got up and put on his sharpest pink suit and went down the pink stairs. He was invited to have breakfast so he went to the pink kitchen. After breakfast they checked the pink phone and were glad to see that it was working. He called a tow truck. Soon a pink tow truck comes. It gives him a ride back down the pink road to his broken down pink car. They tow it to the pink garage. They saw it only needed a new pink fan belt. After installing the belt and filling up the car with some pink gasoline the man was happily on his way.

The moral of this story is ...

Never play backgammon for money with strangers.

 

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